Recently I just found that broken heart is not only caused by our loved ones. Broken heart can also caused by unfulfilled wishes, dreams that have to be buried, and not letting go..

I never asked for an opinion, just understanding. When nobody seems to understand, I ended up writing on a computer.

Good bye, darling. I wish I could see you, but the force of nature kept me where I am.

I wish I could just pack my bags and go.

I wish I weren’t me.

Semua orang pernah didukung dan diangkat ego-nya oleh orang-orang terdekat mereka, atau orang yang merasa kenal dengan mereka. This is the problem when you support someone and simply says “It’s okay, you’re going to make it.”

Here is what I think about it : Please save your closest people from unconciously having great expectations. It can cause severe aches if failure does occur. Instead, I think the best thing to say is : “Just do your best. If you already did your best, pray that God will give you whatever’s best for you. If you don’t get what you want, it just means that it’s not meant to be this time. You can try next time or find other opportunities. Remember, God knows best what you need, not what you want. So, it’s all good.”

Today I in an interview to be a part of a company. A company which the more I did research on that company, the more I wanted to be a part of it. Kantor enak, gaji gede, fasilitas lumayan, jam kantor fleksibel, ga usah jadi kuli lapangan dengan titel S1. An opportunity to learn, to gain experience, to start my career as a fresh grad. What better thing to put on my future CV than working for that company? I thought it was the perfect job. It has the values that I believe in, it is a company that will help me be more passionate. In short, I WANTED THAT JOB. Besides, the first work day is scheduled exactly on my birthday. Cute.

Okay, so I passed the first two rounds of the tests. So the hopes were kinda up. And you know how friends telling me “Ahh mut, pasti diterima lah kamu mah..”, “Muti mah cocok disana, tenang aja..”, etc etc. Bukan salah mereka sama sekali, tapi secara ga sadar semua membuat harapan saya melayang. Ini salah saya, membuat harapan saya terlalu melayang. Akhirnya, singkat kata, saya diwawancara. Entah kenapa, saya emang ga terlalu yakin. Di otak saya cuma ada, “kerjaan seperti jodoh, kalo jodoh ga akan kemana, tenang aja.” Memang teori lebih mudah daripada menjalakannya. Ternyata saya gagal. Jatuh lah harapan saya. Awalnya saya berusaha berbesar hati, tapi semakin dicerna, hati saya tidak menjadi semakin besar. Malah semakin kesal.

Perlu keterangan tambahan bahwa buat ikut tes company impian saya itu, saya bela-belain ga ikut 2 tes perusahaan lain karena jadwalnya bentrok. Plus, saya dateng kepagian ke tempat interview di sebuah mall yang masih tutup dan saya masuk bersama tenant lain dan dihardik satpan, serta menunggu di tangga darurat. Di jam 12 saya berfikir, “this day really SUCKED”.

Lalu, seperti biasa saya berkeluh kesah sama pacar saya yang selalu setia mendengar ocehan saya. Saya cerita, mengeluh, kesal, dll, ya biasa lah..Pacar saya dengan setia mendengarkan dan menghibur dengan kata-kata bijaknya. Malam ini, waktu saya kembali telfonan sama pacar saya, saya tiba2 teringat sama notes mengenai ilmu ikhlas yang ditulis setaun yang lalu waktu dia ga jadi berangkat ke eropa. Notes itu tentang bagaimana dia yang udah pede banget berangkat ke eropa, tapi ternyata gagal. Terus gimana kecewanya dia dan gimana dia mengatasi itu. He was 16 at that time. Dan tiba-tiba saya sadar, anak umur 16 taun aja bisa mikir ilmu ikhlas, why can’t I then?? Lagian banyak mungkin yang nasibnya lebih naas dari saya. Ikhlas, “Allah sesungguhnya Allah maha tau apa yang kau butuh, bukan apa yang kau inginkan”. Terus saya langsung teringat masa-masa 6 tahun lalu saya ikut sesi “Managing hopes and concerns” di orie AFS. I should’ve never forgotten that session. Although today sucked, it was a slap on the face that reminded me the things that I’ve forgotten.. So thank you the company that I dreamed to work in, you brought me to the ground! :)

To Rama Wicaksana, thank you very much! May good things always happen to you. :)